How to deal with Overload (part 2): “the tumescent types”

by Wanda on March 13, 2013

In dealing with stress overload the first step was identifying what sets us off. The next step is to recognize how we behave when we are stressed, our “tumescent type.” Tumescent types are not personality types, they are simply how we tend to react when we are over stimulated. You may find that you behave in all three ways at some point, but everyone has an outstanding behavior set when the “tumescence” gets really high. Many people recognize their stressors, but don’t notice what they are doing. Knowing your type helps you find the best way to deal with your stress.

Fixed: The fixed person responds to overstimulation by trying to create structure. This person hates disorder. He or she is usually triggered into stress by chaos and lots of moving parts. Common ways the fixed person deals with overstimulation is making lists, putting everything into a tight schedule, and doing organizational busywork. If you see yourself trying to create order when you’re stressed, you’re probably a Fixed type.

The antidote for a Fixed person is desire. Since this person fills up his or her day with busywork to feel safe, he or she needs to identify what he or she really feels like doing. The best way this person to de-stress is to stop planning and follow spontaneous feelings for awhile.

Dissipated: The dissipated person deals with stress by retreating. The common dissipated response to stress is “I don’t feel like doing this, so I won’t.” This person will run away from overstimulation. If he or she isn’t able to physically escape the source of stress, he or she will “check out” mentally. Excessive daydreaming is a common trait of the dissipator. If you find yourself thinking about other things when things get too much, you’re probably a Dissipated type.

The antidote for dissipation is simplicity. This person ends up with a head in the clouds because he or she can’t handle what’s going on on earth. Keep it Simple, Stupid. The dissipator needs to have less going on so he or she can focus on what’s in front of him or her.

Hyper-Volatile: The hyper-volatile tumescent type is all over the place. This person fights fire with fire. He or she will respond to overstimulation with more overstimulation. Emotional outbursts and random spontaneity are common reactions to stress. This person will keep adding fuel to the fire until it’s burned everything unless someone can cool him or her down.

The solution is attention. Kids tend to be more hyper-volatile around their parents. The hyper-volatile goes nuts because he or she wants to be seen. Quality attention is usually all a hyper-volatile to calm down and realize whatever the problem wasn’t a big deal.

What type are you?

How to Deal with Overload (part 1): Identify it!

by Wanda on March 11, 2013

I just went to an awesome workshop on female empowerment and relationships over the weekend. It’s run by a certain best-selling author of women’s empowerment books whom I prefer not to mention, but you probably know who she is. The room was full of strong-willed, feminine, and let’s say, excited, women. Even the most frigid person would warm up in this room.

The course taught us many great things on “training our man,” staying sexy post-child birth, and navigating the world as a powerful woman. One of the topics brought up often was a term called “tumescence.” Our instructor, who shall not be named, defined tumescence as any unwanted excitement. It is literally defined as “engorgement,” in other words, whenever you’ve had too much of something. It can apply to your relationships with people (husband, co-workers, children,) how you deal with stress, or even when you are over-stimulated by something. Tumescence itself isn’t a bad thing. All it is, is high sensation. What we need to learn to do is learn how to manage it properly. Properly managing this tumescence, or overstimulation can be the difference between smoothly getting through your week, and being stressed out till the weekend. In more extreme cases, it be the difference between placidity and nervous breakdown. Just about any discomfort, anxiety, or problem can be chalked up to mis-managed tumescence.

She-who-shall-not-be-named said that the first step in managing these sensations is to identify it. Most of us can’t deal with stress of anxiety properly because we don’t acknowledge, or notice when we feel it. As my little brother would repeat when he was a kid watching G.I. Joe, Knowing is half the battle. At my age, I notice this the most my overload, let’s say, 90%, comes from my children. In just the past 48 hours I have been able to point out at least 7 instances of “mommy’s going crazy.” Ten years ago, it was mostly work and relationships that caused my stressful moments. (I’ve trained my husband to only aggravate me 6%.) Just identifying what it is when you feel stressed is enough to reduce the stress a little. What “tumesces” you?

Eat (and get trim) like a Tiger

by Wanda on March 8, 2013

Most predators only eat once a day at most. They hunt when hungry, eat a lot, then nap the rest of the day. Hunting for animals is tough. It’s definitely not something you can do three “square” times per day or all day incessantly. Most predators also happen to very lean and lithe. It’s hard to hunt when you’re carrying dead weight.

Us omnivorous humans are predators too. We we’re built to stuff our selves at a specified time morning, noon, and night. At best, our caveman ancestors ate a fresh kill once per day (maybe stretched out over the few hours that the unrefrigerated meat would remain fresh,) and maybe grazed briefly on nuts an berries when available. I’ve added a new book to my reading list, The 8 Hour Diet. I haven’t read it yet, but I understand it is about intermittent fasting–more of an eating schedule, rather than a diet. The idea is that the human body is functions better when you eat less often. The easiest IF diet is simply controlling all your eating to an 8 hour window; basically a 16 hour fast every day. It’s really not hard. It’s as simple as skipping breakfast and eating lunch and dinner in the same half of your waking day. Here are some of the benefits of IF.

Fat loss. With your body devoid of fattening carbohydrates, it has to seek fat for energy. This means the excess lard on your body get burnt. A person who fasts periodically will find that he or she can maintain a lean body even when indulging from time to time because the body is trained to seek fat first.
Muscle Gains. The body produces more growth hormone when fasting. This means particularly great gains when exercising during a fast.
Slows growth of cancer. Cancer cells need fuel to grow. Their fuel is the glucose from the food you eat. When you fast, your body goes into protective mode. Your body needs glucose for energy, so there is less for cancerous cells to thrive. Essentially, they start to starve.
Longevity. Energy-restricted brains have shown to resist degeneration. This means less chance of Alzheimer’s.

This is my kind of diet. Eat whatever I want, just not when. I think I can live with that.

The Bucket List

by Wanda on March 6, 2013

Yesterday I went out with the girls to lunch and an unfortunate topic came up. We’re getting older. (Well, they are, not me.) If you haven’t noticed, aging been a bit of recurring topic. But for a change, we’ve all agreed that we are aging like a pro. One can only hope we still have the kick and dazzle of Betty White one day. Anyhow, we compiled a list of things we had to do in this lifetime. Some of these things some of us have done already. Some of these none of us have done. Here’s the list (PG version of course.)

Dine in Paris.
Kiss at the top of the Empire State Building.
Walk Venice Beach.
Go wine tasting in Napa Valley
Go wine tasting in Mendoza, Argentina
Go wine tasting, well, anywhere
Watch your kids perform something
Learn to play an instrument
Spend all day reading a book in pajamas
Spend all day snuggling, in pajamas
Really, do anything for a whole day in pajamas many times in your life. It’s a good idea.
Yell at someone in road rage, just for fun.
Give a hug to a stranger
Give a sandwich to a homeless person
Sunbathe in the tropics.
Have a stay-cation where you don’t leave your home, but you turn off all your electronics and don’t let anyone contact you.
Give a speech
Teach a child something
Take a cooking class
Learn a language
Did I mention wine tasting?

Un-traditional Family Situations that Work

by Wanda on March 4, 2013

The Brady Bunch‘s major gimmick was it’s unusual living situation: a widow with “three very lovely girls” marries a man with “three boys of his own” which allowed hijinks and hilarity to ensue. The premise itself was enough to catch attention in the 1970′s. But today it’s not that unusual of a situation. While the traditional nuclear family is still seen as the norm, it isn’t the vast majority anymore. 16% of children are raised in a single parent household. We can blame the deterioration of values for the high divorce rate and other things, or we can just accept that times are changing and we as a society should adapt. I’m not saying anything against the traditional family. I’ve been happily married for 13 years. However from seeing many of my friends in different situations, I’m realizing a 1950′s white picket fence family doesn’t have to be the goal. Here are some alternative family situations I’ve seen that can be just as wonderful.

The Shared-Custody Nuclear Family. My husband’s best friend is no longer in a relationship with the mother of his daughter. Yet they still have a happy nuclear family. Both parents live in their own home across the street from each other. That way, while they share custody, the child has both parents available to her. The three of them often have family dinner together even. Mom and Dad aren’t lovers, but they are still partners as parents. This situation requires the parents to be friends still and get lucky enough to find homes walking distance from each other.
Kid Stays, We Move. One of the most difficult things for a child of divorced parents is the lack of stability. The child can never really settle and consider a place to be home. Living out of a backpack is no way to grow up. But why does the kid have to switch homes mid week? My physician is divorced with a fourteen year old son. He and his ex-wife decided that instead of making their son switch homes mid-week, he could stay in the home he was used to. The parents switch instead. Half the week my doctor lives with his son in the house. The other half of the week his ex-wife does.
Single Mom Team. What’s better than one mom? Two of course! One of my girlfriends was struggling as a single mom and fell in some financial trouble. Coincidentally one of her single mom friends was in the same situation. They joined forces with their kids and live in a lovely five-bedroom home that would be impossible for either to afford on their own. It’s kind of like communal living, but what it really is a family: a group of people who love each other and help each other grow.

Easy Activities to Stay Young

by Wanda on March 1, 2013

Darn right it is

Someone we both know noticed a gray hair earlier this week. This person who shall not be named freaked out a bit for obvious reasons. This person who shall not be named, despite three kids and many 21st birthdays has denied that she has been aging. Not to worry! Forty is the new thirty right? As I, I mean, this person, steps deeper in the forties, I’ve decided to go in style. Wrinkles are just not fashionable. Here are some easy ways to slow the aging process.

Stretch. Light stretching, especially in the hip region, can keep you limber and prevent joints from getting stiff. Also, when you’re deep into “Life’s Third Act,” tendon flexibility can be the difference between falling and getting hurt, or falling and just laughing about it.
Stay Hungry. Not that you should ever starve, but eating till you’re “full” overtaxes the digestive and nervous system. We’re not supposed to eat till we’re full. We’re supposed to eat till we’re no longer hungry. Think of it this way: your digestion tract only has so many “miles” on it. If you put too much food down there now, you’re wearing it out for later. Actually, it’s not even the amount, it’s about giving your system a break. A practice called Intermittent Fasting is a dietary style where you limit your daily eating to a smaller window. I’ll probably have to explain it further in another post.
Move Around. A lot of our health problems come from our chairs. Our legs are not supposed to be bent for very long at a time. If you work at a desk, get up! Walk Around! You don’t have to be an exercise junkie, just move as much as possible, even if just the stairs.
Play. Doing things just for fun is one of the best ways to keep your mind youthful and growing. Wolves and Labrador Retrievers are both canines with similar ancestral backgrounds. One big difference is that Labradors are neotonous, meaning they retain some characteristics from their “childhood”/developmental years. One big one is that they continue to play till they die. Wolves on the other hand only play as puppies, they stop once reach sexual maturity. The result in brain function is that the playful Labs continue to learn things their whole lives, whereas the grumpy no-fun wolves become set in their ways and are unable to learn as adults. You can teach an old dog new tricks, as long as he keeps playing.
Sleep! You may have heard that “Sleep is the cousin of Death.” Yes he is. He’s the much happier, healthier cousin. If you don’t hang out with Sleep often enough, Death will join the party sooner. It might be hard to get your good night sleep each night. That’s fine. Take a nap. Really, I’m serious. Take a nap the way you never wanted to as a kid!

What a Decade of Child-Rearing has Taught Me

by Wanda on February 27, 2013

My oldest is turning ten on Sunday. Double digits! We’re all making a big deal out of it. Well, everyone except him. My son said, “It’s just another number.” Mind you, this is the same son who at the age of four decided for himself that Santa Claus couldn’t possibly exist. What a party pooper. He gets that from his Dad. I’m still going to celebrate. It’s a milestone for me too. I’ve officially been a parent for a whole decade! 2003 seems just like yesterday…where does the time go? Anyhow I’ve compiled a list of what I’ve learned as a parent:

Messes are inevitable.
One takes pride in waking up early to make awesome school lunches, even if the kids may not appreciate it.
The kids actually do appreciate it.
The most valuable artwork is that which you can hang on a fridge
No matter how angry or sad they make you, you always forgive them
Your husband is your sidekick
When you think you are so exhausted you will die, some how you are able to still make dinner
The more you yell, the less they will take yelling seriously
Kids say the darndest things
Holding babies makes your arms stronger
I have learned to anything with one arm
Don’t make your own Halloween costumes to save money, do it because it’s fun
Nothing beats arts and crafts with your children
Well, maybe baking something does
You will be hit with poop, pee, puke, snot, and blood at some point in your parenting career
Kids copy your eating habits
Kids copy your speaking habits
If a kid does a chore without being asked to, be very cautious
Yes, babies do sleep 14 hours a day, it’s just broken up into 20 minute intervals
Moms really are invincible

Hot Seat: Creating Connection

by Wanda on February 25, 2013

Ok, my husband and I didn’t look quite this perfect (imagine this with me squirming and him yawning)

This past weekend I was at a workshop for a partnered meditation practice. My hippie-dippie sister-in-law recommended it to hubby and I. It seemed like new-agey nonsense at first, but I was interested in the concept. My husband on the other hand was totally checked out. He said it would be an “estrogen fest” but would go to satisfy me.

Basically the purpose was to create connection. Aside from the meditation we played many different communication games to get this room of 50 or so strangers to connect with each other. It seemed like an impossible task to me. Few of us are really “connected” to more than a handful of people: our families, our best friends, maybe a few co-workers. How many of us have real connections with people?

One communication game we played was called “hot seat.” One person volunteers to sit in the middle of the circle and anyone in the audience can ask the person any question. The person in the middle is encouraged to tell the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth for the purpose of removing his or her “filters.” Hubby nonchalantly volunteered as his way of asserting that this was a silly “estrogen fest.” Boy was he wrong…

What “hot seat” looks like

Without divulging the details, the questions he was asked were super intense and my “macho” husband was sweating and stuttering like a, well, little girl. I couldn’t wait to get in the car ride home and tease him about how he couldn’t handle and “estrogen” fest. But once we got out he blurted out how enlightening the experience was and how connected he felt to the rest of the room. What?!?! Not my football-watching, beard-wearing, grunting, stoic husband who refuses to dry his hands with a hand towel that’s too girly. He felt “connected” to a room of strangers??I couldn’t believe this group of hippie-dippies (I use the term affectionately) was able to humble my “macho” husband.

The lesson I took from it was this. We all crave connection. Most of us don’t get to connect with strangers because, like Hubby, we put up these filters to appear stronger than we are. The downside is, when you walk around hiding your true self, you eliminate your chance of bonding with people easily. If we could all open up and show our true vulnerable selves, we all would be much more connected. How often to you filter yourself to the world?

Amnesty for Kids’ Transgressions?

by Wanda on February 22, 2013

Last night was my mother’s birthday. My brothers and sister and all our families came in for a big family dinner at my parents house. Just like every big family gathering it was a joyous occasion, filled with laughter, good eats, and of course, a little drama

This is roughly the outfit that spilled the beans on his tattoo

If there is any gray sheep in the family, it’s my youngest brother, whose lack of maturity I’ve mentioned in a recent post. He’s a gray sheep, not black, because we all love him, but he certainly does his own thing, in his own way. The rest of the siblings attribute that to the spoiled, almost only child nature of his upbringing (he was a “surprise” child–much younger than the rest of us.) My brother is now in a hipster fashion phase. He’s actually dressing quite nicely compared to his old sweatpants and hoodie style of college. One item that his wardrobe seems to be full of is those short short-sleeved button downs that remind me of the Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady for some reason. At dinner he reached to pass Mom’s famous peanut-oil spinach. His sleeves stretched to reveal some ink on his upper arms.

My old school conservative parents ran a pretty tight ship while us elder siblings grew up. In high school there were no late nights, pretty strict rules about dating, and certainly NO TATTOOS or piercings. The siblings all gasped. Our significant others, including my husband also gasped. Even the kids’ table could feel something was up because all the grown ups became silent. Who am I kidding? We all were kids at that moment as we waited and watched for my parents’ reaction.

After some explanation the beans were spilled and we all found out that little bro got a few tattoos over the last six years. Only my oldest brother knew. My folks weren’t even that upset about the tattoo. What was upsetting to my mom was that he son violated a rule while still living in her house. But what’s the proper parenting response now? I mean, if he was caught back then, he certainly would have been scolded and punished. But now he’s an adult. Does he get amnesty?

After some surprisingly light-hearted family discussion, my folks eventually dropped the subject as they decided it really wasn’t a big deal. No one could really be surprised that our very own gray sheep would go violate one of the parents’ top rules. But it made me think from the parenting perspective. If my kids break a rule, get away with it, and I find out much later, what would I do? Well, in the mean time, I’ll just keep rolling up my sleeves.

Lent…one week in

by Wanda on February 20, 2013

We are officially one week into Lent. I’m not a religious person by any means, but I’ve always like the idea of giving something up that you may be dependent on for personal growth reasons. I haven’t observed Lent in the past, well, ten or so years. A few weeks ago, my oldest asked me about it, and we decided to observe it as a family.

Here’s what we gave up:

Hubby- falling asleep on the couch and beer.

My oldest- sugary cereal (his choice)

My daughter- her sing-a-long DVDs (I wasn’t going to enforce this on her, but I’m definitely enjoying the lack of Wiggles music in the house. It hasn’t at all stopped her from singing though.)

My younger son- fighting with/harassing his sister and a Pokemon doll. (The deal is he can get the doll back when its clear that he won’t be mean to her anymore.)

Me…. chocolate and raising my voice.

Forty days without chocolate!!! That makes me want to…raise my voice! Arggh. The whole point is the fact that I love dark chocolate, maybe a bit too much. Not eating it for a month should be a healthy move right? But it’s not like I ate it compulsively. If anything this week without my occasional chocolate is just making me crave it more. Now I’m taking it out on vanilla ice cream, which is probably worse for my weight. Oh well.

Not chocolate!!!

On the brighter side, I haven’t raised my voice once! Not even when my youngest violated lent the day after by throwing his sister’s Barbie down the stairs. I did a bit of a yelp, caught myself, took a deep breath, then explained to him that if he did that again, during lent or ever, there would be serious consequences. I’ve never spoken to my kids in such a controlled, yet chastising manner. The boy went down the stairs, picked up the doll and put it back in his sister’s room. Who knew not yelling would be more effective? Thanks Lent!

MyShopDiscounts Blog

News From MyShopDiscounts.com