Holistic ways to prevent burn outs

by Wanda on April 26, 2013

Last post we went over how burn outs occur due to us not being able to handle good happenings. We usually self-sabotage when we go beyond what we believe we deserve, our self-concept. How can we allow ourselves to “own” more rather than burn out? There are simple practices you can observe to increase your self-concept so you don’t burn out.

Gratitude. We can accept a lot more in our lives if we appreciate what we already have. Gratitude is saying “thank you” to the world. If you don’t count your blessings, you’ll never add more. Being grateful assumes the mindset of “I’m so happy for the wonderful things in my life.” The underlying assumption is that you have and expect wonderful things. This is the opposite of a self-sabotaging burnout.

Service. Ingrained in our brains is the notion that we must work, suffer, or pay for anything good in our lives. If something good spontaneously happens, we feel uncomfortable. That’s why many lottery winners get depressed. Serving others is one of the best ways to convince your brain that you indeed deserve everything good that you have. Giving back feels good for a reason. Make helping other people a habit. Send out a lot of love and you’ll feel much more comfortable receiving it.

MVP Kevin Durant didn’t allow himself to burn out.

Desire. All-Star NBA player Kevin Durant famously missed his high school prom because of a few missed shots. His desire to play in the NBA was so strong that he made a rule that he couldn’t do anything after school until he hit 500 free throws. The night of his senior prom he didn’t hit 500 quickly enough and he had to sacrifice prom. He didn’t burn out though. His desire for the NBA was so strong that no party, even a once in a lifetime party, was worth it. I think he made the right choice. Commit to what you really want. Think about the big win. If your dreams are big, there’s no room for burning out.

People get what they believe they deserve. Increase your self-concept for what you deserve with gratitude, service, and a commitment to desire. You deserve everything you want. Go get it and happy Friday!

You only burn out on the good

by Wanda on April 24, 2013

Everyone has experienced burn outs. We reach a point when it becomes too much. We go beyond our ability to handle anything. The slightest mishap can bring us to tears, or one extra inconvenience makes us go nuts. The funny thing is that people rarely burn out on bad things. It’s amazing what most people can handle. I was looking at the lives of various people I know, mostly mothers, who went through periods of extreme hardship without faltering. The people I looked at dealt with career mishaps, family tragedies, relationship issues, and despite grieving, stayed steady. Human beings have an amazing talent for rising to the occasion. We rarely burn out when times are tough. We often burn out when things get too good.

Brian Tracy, the motivational speaker and sales trainer, says that people have a “self-concept” for everything. The self concept is what we expect of and for ourselves in a given field. We have a self-concept to how well we do at work, we have a self-concept for how well we drive, a self-concept on how well we speak in public, etc. If we go too far above or below our self-concept, we do anything we can to get back to normal levels. If things get to bad, we rise up to the challenge, if things get too good, we tend to self-sabotage.

That’s what burning out is usually. It’s when we good things happen beyond our expectations. Brian Tracy mentions various experiences where he saw salespeople achieve their normal target way earlier in the month than expected, and saw that they couldn’t sell anymore till the next month. It’s not that they were lazy, it was that they couldn’t let themselves earn more than they felt they were worth. This is also why lottery winners often get depressed or even commit suicide. Their wealth has shot up way beyond their self-concept for how much they deserve.

You don’t have to stay with your current self-concept forever. You can always have more. In the next post I’ll talk about how to increase your self-concept so you don’t burn yourself out!

Finding peace in every moment

by Wanda on April 22, 2013

This morning’s yoga was particularly stressful for me. My daughter kept me up late into the night and I only had a few hours of sleep. I knew I had to rush home afterwards to pack lunches for school, then get to work…usual Monday. As soon as my alarm went off this morning at 5:45 I felt the anxiety of things I need to do today. I large part of me wanted to skip yoga all together. Somehow I ended up in the 6:30 am class anyway. Ten minutes into class was even worse. I was dripping with sweat, joints were burning, and my “to do” list was still rattling in the back of my head. Why did I put myself here in the first place?

Half Moon Pose. Only I don’t look nearly that good, and am in way more pain than this lady.

We were in half moon pose when my anxiety started to show in my face. I started to get mad. I was mad that I missed out on sleep last night because my daughter needed attention. I was mad that my husband doesn’t help enough to get the kids ready for school. I was mad that I had to go to work today. I was mad at my body for not being flexible enough. I was mad at yoga for existing. I was definitely mad at the yoga teacher for looking so darn happy causing my body such pain.

The instructor, Summer, came over with a gleaming smile on her face. I wanted to punch her. Then she said something that made me want to hug her (eventually): “How can you find peace here?” She elaborated, “Yoga is a ninety minute moving meditation. You move to limber your body, but also to limber your mind. Each pose is meant to be a different kind of mental discomfort. If you can find peace in these different contortions, you can find peace in the discomforts life throws at you.”

I took a deep breath and relaxed into the half moon. Yes it was uncomfortable, but I chose to be here. By “finding peace” in the posture, I can learn to enjoy it. It’s not really pain, it’s just another feeling.

When I got home I packed lunch and sat the kids for breakfast. My youngest spilled his cereal milk all over his school clothes. After a visceral stress response, I remembered: “How can I find peace here?” I took a deep breath, mopped him up, and got a new shirt. Life is not about eliminating inconveniences, it’s about relaxing into them. How can you find peace here?

The Guide to Giving Flowers

by Wanda on April 19, 2013

I passed florist this morning. The smell was particularly sweet. Spring is the time for the best flowers. A male co-worker of mine was talking about how the girl he’s seeing has hinted that she loves flowers, but he is clueless on how to give them. For all those out there who are confused at the art of giving and receiving flowers, here’s a little guide for you.

First many wonder what is the appropriate floral arrangement for each type of relationship. While there are no absolute rules, there are certainly some guidelines. Red roses symbolize passion and romance for instance. Here’ some guidelines:

Red roses should be used sparingly. They are appropriate only on Valentine’s Day and a special occasion where both parties are overtly agree the theme of the evening is passion. Red roses are not for “just because.”
For a new lover or a friend who you are showing romantic interest in try Hot Pinks, Oranges, Reds, and Yellows. This arrangement suggest fun and passion without insisting on romance. What’s awesome here is that if she is interested she can take it romantically, if she isn’t interested you can always deny that you meant it that way.
Flower gifts for long term romantic partners require more a more nuanced approach. Presumably there will be multiple flower exchanges over the years, you can’t give the same ones every time. Variety is important. You should know what her favorite flowers are. (If you don’t know, go ask!)
Platonic friend flowers should have a “I was just picked these” feeling. It’s weird to plan too far ahead with “just a friend” so keep it spontaneous. The arrangement should be more fun and silly. Maybe even collage flowers that don’t match.
Garden-y flowers for mothers, grandmas, and any very important women in your life. Colors with softer pastel hues with a lot of green in it will show your affection.

For Mom

Nostril Dominance: What your nose can tell you

by Wanda on April 19, 2013

My daughter once asked me “Why do we have two nostrils?” I channeled my mother for a second and blurted out a response without really knowing the answer. I said “its so if one nostril is clogged, you can still breath.” It seemed to make sense. But I decided to dig a little deeper. I noticed that one nostril is always kind of clogged. We really only breathe through one nostril at a time. Curious. It turns out that the tissue in our noses swell up to block one nostril at a time in few hour cycles. Which nostril is dominant is related to various traits:

Right nostril dominance is associated with:

Blood becoming more acidic
Left brain activities (logic, strategy)
Increasing energy
Anxiety

Left nostril dominance is associated with:

Blood becoming more alkaline
Right brain activities (art, socializing)
Decreasing energy
Placidity

There are various theories on how nostril dominance changes. The more scientific are that they change with the pH of your blood based on your mood and the food you eat. The more magical theories are that your nostril dominance changes with the movement of celestial bodies. Whatever the cause is, I’ve noticed the effect being fairly accurate.

You can change your nostril dominance by lying on your side. For some reason, whichever nostril is higher becomes the dominant nostril. Try it. Find which nostril is dominant, then lie with the dominant side down. After about twenty minutes, the dominance will switch to the other side. Some theorize that this is why we feel the need to change positions at night when we sleep.

While I don’t totally understand te chemistry, and I’m resistant to the idea of the moon controlling my schnoz, it’s fascinating to be aware of something as subtle as which nostril you’re breathing out of. Wait, I think my dominance just switched.

Not quite nostril dominance…

Play is the purpose of life

by Wanda on April 17, 2013

I took the kids to the playground yesterday afternoon. Normally I bring a book to read, but this time I forgot. I zoomed out visually and took in the entire scene. A collage of kids, ages 4-8, running, jumping, swinging, twisting, pulling, bopping. They were all moving together in a majestic rhythm the way that trees all sway together in the wind. My eyes were defocused. I knew my kids were in the collage, but I couldn’t discern them from the whole system. I had an thunderbolt moment, the type that you get when you see that piece of artwork in the museum that makes the world make sense.

It was a little more picturesque than this.

The words that hit were “This is it.” This, right here, watching my kids play in the playground, this is the purpose of life. The purpose of life is to play. There is nothing higher or more important. Play is anything we do for the sake of doing it. The value of play is in the play itself. There is not need for an extrinsic reward. My kids don’t play in the playground to earn money, or curry favor, or even to exercise their bodies. They play because it’s fun, and fun is good.

As an adult, we can’t always play. But play is still out purpose. In our world, we must work in order to afford play. Work is that which we do to gain something else. We work for money. If us grown-ups didn’t work to provide food and shelter, there would be no time for play. Work is a necessity as an adult. But play is still the highest purpose. My action, sitting and watching them in the park is also play. I didn’t take them to the park to get them to like me more. I didn’t take them here because that’s what parents “should do.” I took them because I want to. Play requires no reward. Play is the most effortless expression of being human. What constitutes play for you?

Jackie Robinson Day!

by Wanda on April 15, 2013

It’s April 15th! You know what that means. No, not your taxes. (Those are due too, but hopefully it’s been taken care of.) Today is Jackie Robinson Day! Major League Baseball started Jackie Robinson Day five years ago as a celebration at the beginning of the baseball season. All the major league teams today will be wearing the number ’42,’ Robinson’s uniform number when he was active. The number ’42′ has been retired throughout the league, meaning no team can assign it to any of the active players. The weather is lovely, at least here in New York, and it’s a great way to celebrate springtime, America, and baseball.

Even if you’re not interested in America’s pastime, remember the huge civil rights victory that Jackie Robinson achieved in his career. Breaking the color barrier in baseball was an integral part of the civil rights movement. Although Jackie wasn’t technically the first colored player to ever play baseball, his abilities on the field and public personality brought national attention to the civil issue. His achievements have been dramatized in the new film, 42, that released last weekend. The film made $27.3 million in the opening weekend according to Warner Brothers.

Looking at the integration of race today, especially in sports, it seems ridiculous that just a generation ago we were segregated. In the past fifty years we’ve had so many ethnic athletes that in their own ways have shaped American culture. What would American sports and entertainment be like had we missed out on Michael Jordan, Muhammed Ali, and Tiger Woods. It’s easy to forget or not recognize the pivotal role Jackie Robinson has had on America. It’s much more than baseball. Jackie Robinson was a linchpin on the culture that we live in today. For that Mr. Robison, we thank you.

Help the Little Ones to Sleep

by Wanda on April 12, 2013

Thank goodness my youngest is old in enough to be able to fall asleep without problem. This means the hubby and I have officially moved out of the “parents who never sleep” category and into the “parents who only sleep on weekends” category. Phew. Over raising three children, lots of parenting books and articles, and plenty of trial and error, I’ve listed some things that have proven effective to get your kids to sleep.

Let them sleep when sleepy. Babies and small children don’t have the same circadian rhythm that adults do. Us grown ups tend to get sleepy at night, need the sleep for eight or so hours, then wake. This is so we can be productive during the day. Babies don’t need to be productive so they get sleepy on their own rhythm. You baby will give you “beddy cues” like yawning, eye-rubbing, and a blank expression. This means the body is pumping out melatonin, a hormone that promotes sleep and relaxation. If the child doesn’t get to sleep during this relaxed window, his or her body will switch the hormone produced to adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones) for a “second wind.”
Don’t let them sleep in. It’s a relief anytime they snooze. It’s tempting to stay asleep in the morning so you can do your morning chores without interruption. There are two things wrong with this, 1) they will be wired at some inopportune moment like when you’re trying to go to bed, and 2) consistency is key. Even though babies follow their own rhythm, it’s important for them to have a consistent rhythm. It allows they bodies to be ready for sleep to promote rejuvenation, and also makes it easy for you to plan around their nap times.
Avoid sleep crutches. Babies are smart animals. If they find that you jump out of bed to cradle them every time they cry, they will cry every time. If they get used to being rocked to sleep for an hour, they will never learn to sleep without rocking and cradling. One of the hardest things for a parent is to not come running when the child is crying. Just remember that holding out is both good for your peace of mind, and your child’s independence.

Reading Expressions Through Imitation

by Wanda on April 10, 2013

Maybe it’s because of hump day maybe its the venti cappuccino, but I was unusually chipper on my morning commute. On the subway, I had my head up and was looking about at all the people. Such a range of expressions! Some people bored. Some looked pained. Some were drained. Some were happy like me. Edgar Allen Poe once said that he could quite accurately know what a man was feeling by copying his facial expression. I tried doing this with a few people, and it was as if I could read their entire story. I was amazed at how I created a story for just about everyone once I copied their face. When I copied the bug-eyed expression of the young girl sitting across from me, I could feel that she was overwhelmed with work. When I copied the slow smiling expression of the old man next to her, I felt that he was a retired school teacher who has lived a happy life and now doesn’t have a care in the world. Now I’m sure none of my stories were accurate, sadly, I’m not a psychic. I am sure that I was able to grasp the emotional story.

When I was an actress in college, we did a similar exercise where one person would think deeply about an emotional memory, and the other would try to determine the memory based on imitating the facial expressions. Rarely did anyone guess the exact event, but the emotional story was uncannily spot on. For example maybe I would think about bringing my son home from the hospital, and my partner would guess “are you thinking about getting a new puppy”?

We can read each other so well through imitation because emotions and expressions are co-variant. This means that the cause and effect between emotions and expressions goes both ways. Happiness makes us smile, but smiling also makes us happy. Think about that for a minute. We can absorb a person’s emotional state simply by copying his or her face. You can also make yourself happy by smiling. Since people’s expressions tend to be in sync, you can literally make the people around you happy by smiling. Keep that in mind. Smiling is contagious, why not infect a few people?

How to Stop Thinking Before Bed

by Wanda on April 8, 2013

I was once afflicted with insomnia. On and off for about four years I would go days without getting a wink of sleep. I’d lay in bed for eight odd hours, staring at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep, getting angry that I wasn’t falling asleep, and throwing something at the ceiling. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know of all the medical causes of insomnia, but I do know one huge reason many people can’t fall asleep, the same one I had…Too much thinking!

Every sleepless night started with my having an internal dialogue. That dialogue would lead me to getting some sort of emotional charge. The charge would lead me on a thought train about people, things I did, life, and all the things I want to do tomorrow. If I could only stop thinking, I could fall asleep. I eventually did learn to stop thinking, which healed my insomnia. Here’s how I did it.

Do everything you want to do in a day. One cause of thinking is regret. It could be as simple as something you wanted to do at work, or an event that you wanted to go to, but got lazy at the last minute. Or it could be more meaningful, like asking out the attractive stranger in the coffee shop. Anything uncompleted action that will make you feel regretful, will keep you thinking, and awake.
Make sure to have fun every day. In college I had to read Friedrich Nietzche for a class. Quite boring, yet I did gain one nugget that made all the readings worth it. In Thus Spake Zarathustra, Nietzche says that the way to fall asleep is to think forty thoughts: 10 challenges to overcome, 10 compliments for yourself, 10 facts or “truths,” and 10 things that are amusing. The last set of thoughts made the whole thing worth it. Often we start thinking too much when we’re bored. I started making sure I had a few laugh-worthy moments each day, and found it easier to fall asleep because I wasn’t “searching entertainment.”
Feel your body. Thinking takes our attention away from the sensations we feel. Conversely, if we put full attention on what we feel, our minds stop chattering. When you’re getting in bed, pay attention to the sheets on your skin, your weight on the bed. Sensations are neither interesting nor boring. Sensations are just sensations. As long as your attention is on sensation, you can’t get lost on a thought train.
Nip it in the bud. Thinking can be like a drug. You start thinking and say “oh, I’m just going to analyze this one thing, it’s no big deal. I can stop whenever I want” But then that thought leads to another thought leading to another. Before you know it, you’re so deep in thought that you can’t get out. Once you notice yourself thinking, stop! No excuses.

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