The Power of Vulnerability

by Wanda on May 22, 2013

In the last post we spoke about Prisoner’s Dilemma and how in many situation with people, what’s collectively good and what’s individually enticing are often at odds. It’s the reason why our society is built on competition rather than collaboration. There’s nothing wrong with competition. There is a time and place for it. However, within a team, organization, or family, closing off and going for the selfish win will hurt you and the group in the long run.

Here are some examples in which we hurt ourselves by not being vulnerable:

Billy doesn’t tell Sally that he likes her because he’s afraid of rejection. Instead he plays it cool around her. He finds out later that Sally liked him the whole time, but was afraid to show it. They both ended up in the Nash Equilibrium of no relationship.
Jane is afraid of her boss’s disapproval so she avoids him. In response, he gives her a hard time since she comes off as arrogant. If she just let him know about her insecurity, he wouldn’t be so hard on her and they’d get along better.
Christine wants to seem perfect to her son when he’s young so she projects all-knowingness. As her son grows up, he realize his Mom’s half-truths and doesn’t trust anything she says in the future.

The need to “look cool” prevents us from connection. Instead of interacting with the real person we interact with the persona the person puts up through our own false persona. The antidote to this is vulnerability.

Many people confuse vulnerability with weakness. Nothing can be further from the truth. True power is vulnerability. Only a person who is secure with themselves can lead with vulnerability. That’s what you are doing to allow people to connect with you on a deep level. LEADING with vulnerability. Once you disarm and show your cooperation, you give permission to everyone else to do the same.

The Prisoner’s Dilemma

by Wanda on May 20, 2013

Imagine you and a friend tried to rob a bank and we’re caught by the police. The cops keep you in different cells and give both of you two options: rat you friend out (Confess), or don’t (Keep Quiet) Since the two of you have two options, there are four possible outcomes: you both stay silent (Mutual Cooperation), you both rat on each other (Mutual Defection), your friend rats and you stay silent (Sucker’s Payoff), or you rat and your friend stays silent. Each outcome comes with a different result for both you and your partner which you can see in the diagram below:

What do you do? The best outcome for both of you together, is for both of you to Keep Quiet. However the best outcome for each of you individually is to Confess. No matter what your partner does, there is a incentive for you to rat on him/her. If your partner confesses, you can get off free. If you partner rats, you better rat too so you don’t get caught as a sucker.

This is a game called “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” It represents many different scenarios in society where there is a collectively beneficial outcome that is different from individual incentive. Think about it. The whole world would be better if we shared all our money wouldn’t it? There would be no poverty and more than enough to go around. However if you shared all your money, and everyone else suddenly decided to not share, then you’d be the broke one. Therefore, in life, everyone goes with the “Confess” option.

This is called the “Nash Equilibrium,” named after John Nash, Russell Crowe’s character in “A Beautiful Mind.” The Nash Equilibrium is where neither person has an reason to change, even if it’s not the best outcome for the group. We find ourselves in Nash Equilbria, rather than then best outcome because we are afraid to be vulnerable. However, vulnerability is the key to the greater good. For instance, the only way you’d feel comfortable Keeping Quiet in the Prisoner’s Dilemma if you KNEW your partner was doing the same thing.

In the next post we’ll speak more about the Power of Vulnerability. Vulnerability is the antidote to the Prisoner’s Dilemma. Without it, you’ll always be a Prisoner.

FOMO: Fear of Missing Out

by Wanda on May 17, 2013

My daughter was sick yesterday and had to miss a trip to the playground with her brothers. As she cried out a torrent of snot and tears, I told her that what she was experiencing was FOMO. Fear of Missing Out, aptly turned into an acronym by her fratty uncle, my younger brother, is a common emotion felt by both children and adults. Children like my daughter get it when there are kids having more fun than they are. Us grown ups get FOMO when our neighbors go on a vacation that we can’t afford, or have a job that we envy.

FOMO is just a specific label for anxiety. Anxiety is felt whenever we feel we’re “out of groove,” as in, we’re not doing what we SHOULD be doing. The “should” is the key element for the fear of missing out. We think we “should” do the best thing for us to do. To do anything other than what we “should” do, is what we “shouldn’t” do. The Jones’ went to St. Thomas this summer, so we “should” too. If we’re not going on vacation, we’re missing out. My daughter was getting upset because she knew that she enjoys the park, her brothers were having fun at the park, and therefore she “should” be at the park too.

I taught her a little reframe that helped me in life when I’d get FOMO for all the things other people were doing and I wasn’t. It is, “the best place to be is here.” That’s a little vague for a five year old so I translated it into it’s equivalents: “You are the party,” “Heaven is where you are sitting,” and “Everyone else is missing out on what you’re doing.”

I was surprised at how well she took it. I made her hot cocoa and we stayed in and drew pictures together. We had so much fun that by the time her Dad and brothers came home from the park, she totally forgot. If anything her little brother was a bit envious that he missed out on drawing.

Happiness is about getting the most out of your moments wherever you are and with whatever you have. There are a million things you can be doing right this second. If you think about the 999,999 things you’re not doing, you will miss out on the one thing you are doing. The only thing to fear missing out on is what you’re doing right now.

How to Pick a Work Bag

by Wanda on May 15, 2013

The old hard briefcase went the way of the fedora. (Yes, I know we miss the fedora.) The summer is the great time to upgrade your work bag as you’ll have the incentive to be fashionable as well. When picking a work bag, consider the following:

How much space do you need? Everyone has different requirements. Many jobs are now paperless so the standard 22 inch attache, is true. Many of us bring our laptops or tablets to work. If you require an electronic device, make sure any bag you pick will fit it snugly. Many work bags and purses now have a specific pocket for laptops and tablets. It makes a huge difference as opposed to have your expensive computer sloshing around.
The Sumo Laptop Purse has pocket with a strap to keep your device safe and secure.
How do you need to dress? Your bag is part of your outfit. If you want a bag to take every day, you should pick a neutral color. The material is just as important. A good rule of thumb is to match the material to the material of shoe you are expected to wear at work. If you wear a suit or very professional attire, stick with leather. If you can go to work in sneakers, canvas or synthetic bags are probably ok. If you can go to work in flip-flops, you probably don’t work in an office, so why do you need a bag?
What do you want your bag to say? Let’s face it, we judge each other by our clothes. As an everyday part of your outfit, your bag will say much about you. Do you want to command attention? Get something with frills and bobbles. Do you want to be taken seriously? Stay with minimalist square designs. The person with the large rolling suitcase probably is prepared for everything. The person with the light armbag with little in it is probably more flexible and responsive. Remember, you can hide how you feel but you always wear your bag on your sleeve.
People always notice your bag

How Men and Women Communicate

by Wanda on May 10, 2013

Our Weekly Wednesday Creativity Contest question was “If you could change one things about the opposite sex, what would it be?”

Most people have a lot to say about the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” debate. Aside from the petty complaints, most of the complaints about men and women fall under the same two umbrellas: that men are too linear, and women are too all over the place. Women say that men can’t multi-task, miss out on feelings, and overlook important details. Men say women waste time, get distracted, and miss the point.

The comedian Louis CK had a bit about how his wife would drive him crazy at dinner because she’d say something about the meal, then question the waiter, and how she and her girlfriend saw someone like that at a cafe once, to a vacation in Europe, to a plethora of other topics, when all she really meant to say was “it was a good tomato.”

“It was a good tomato” is how men communicate. It’s linear, direct, and doesn’t waste any time. A conversation between two male friends often sticks to the facts, significant events and ends with “see you later.” A conversation amongst women includes every detail, related detail, opinions, feelings, and sometimes doesn’t include “significant” facts at all. Most communication breakdown between men and women comes from this.

No matter which side of the war you’re on you should remember that both styles of communication are necessary and important. Male communication tends to be better at productive tasks. Leading theories suggest that this is because prehistoric men had the role of hunting game and they had to be efficient in how they spoke to other men because wasted words could mean a failed hunt, Female communication tends to care more for people. Some theories say this is because prehistoric women were in charge of caring for the community and the needs fo individuals while the men were at the hunt.

We’re not cave people anymore but we still have reasons for such. Male communication comes out in sports and production-based parts or business. Female communication comes out in art and people-based parts of business. As a modern day man or woman, you should learn to speak both. Don’t blame the opposite sex. Learn their language!

The Right Sunglasses for Your Face Shape

by Wanda on May 8, 2013

We’re continuing our thread on summer fashion today, and the topic is sunglasses. Picking out the right sunglasses is all about face shape. The right shape for your face is much more important than the overall style or quality of the shades themselves.

Square

Square-faced Sandra Bullock rocks the circular lenses

Square faces like that of Sandra Bullock are better suited to rounder lens to soften the edges.

Round

Mila Kunis and her large square shades.

Round faces are best accentuated with large squarish frames to give the face “shape.” Mila Kunis is an excellent example.

Oblong (long face, narrow cheeks)

Liv Tyler’s wrap-around sunglasses.

Those with oblong faces need to be particularly picky with sunglasses. Stay away from narrow frames! If you have this face shape, you’ll want over-sized or wrap-around sunglasses. Liv Tyler pulls them off well.

Heart Shaped (wide forehead and cheekbones, pointed chin)

Reese Witherspoon’s heart-shaped face and appropriate glasses

Heart shaped faces want to down play the width of the top of the face with wider arms and upturned corners. Essentially the shape of the lens should follow the overall shape of the face. Reese Witherspoon is an excellent example of this kind of face.

Oval

Lucy Liu can wear any pair.

If you have an oval face, you lucked out when it comes to sunglasses. Oval is the universal accepter of facial accessories. Just about any shape will fit this face. Ovals like Lucy Liu can get away with anything…

Summer Fashion Tips for Women

by Wanda on May 6, 2013

Last week we helped out our gentlemen dress for the new season. Here are the summer tips for dressing up, ladies. 2013 is all about comfort + style. There’s not reason why your best looking outfits can’t also be your most comfy.

Printed Dresses

Summer colors! Express your inner palate with some awesome patterns on printed dresses. You can go with traditional florals, digitized designs, or even artistic arrangements. On a printed dress you can get away with more colors that you ever can with an ensemble. Try to match the mood of the colors to the tones of your hair, skin, and eyes. Remember, clothing is just an extension of the beauty that is your body.

Printed Dresses

Looser Pants

The idea to allow more airflow for those hot days, while still being able to cover your legs. Harem/dhoti pants are counter to the tight = sexy ideal. You can show off your figure and make yourself looks slimmer. Boyfriend jeans, so called because it looks like “you’re borrowing your borrowing your boyfriend’s jeans,” are the denim version. Look how far we’ve come as a society in 2013. Comfortable and stylish no longer have to be at odds!

Boyfriend jeans

Bright Blazer

Memorial day is coming. That means we can wear white again! Rock some bright colored blazers for the breezy days and cooler summer nights. Just remember to put the white away by Labor Day! A good blazer should have the seams just past the shoulder joint. The sleeves should end or be folded to end just past the elbow.

Sunglasses

Summer obviously requires sunglasses. When looking at sunglasses the two rules are 1) match the shape to the shape of your face and 2) match the tone to your clothes. Picking the right sunglasses is it’s own artform. We’ll expand this one into its own post.

Summer Fashion Tips for Men

by Wanda on May 3, 2013

Don’t get caught wearing the same clothes all year round. Summer is the show off season. It’s why people workout all year and what colors are made for. In case you haven’t done your summer shopping yet, here’s the man’s guide to summer shopping. (Next week we’ll post for the ladies.

Fabrics
Hide your wool and corduroy. Not only will it be far too hot, it doesn’t match the season. The right summer fabric will allow you to layer properly without dying of heat. Seersucker is excellent for breathability and comfort. It’s meant to crinkle, so ironing becomes less of a concern than with wool. If you really hate ironing, then linen will be your best friend this summer. Linen is supposed to be wrinkled. Cotton is an easy go to, except it retains moisture so its not ideal if you perspire a lot. Silk is another great fabric…but only for the bold.

Colors

Pastels are the summer color scheme. You can’t go wrong with a little plaid either. Make sure to stay away from colors that are too sharp or too dark. A good guide is that if the color fits in a Monet painting, it’s probably ok.

Shorts

Summer isn’t summer without shorts. The 2013 rules of fashionable shorts are all about creating a quality silhouette. This means no excess fabric. No cargo pockets! The shorts should get just about the knee. If you’re slender, try shorts that taper in to create a more gaunt lower body expression.

Shoes

Sock free is the way to be. Go for loafers. Boat shoes are a great way to go and can easily be coordinated with shorts. If prefer laces, make sure you’re socks don’t show, or else be made fun of. Long socks with shorts is almost on par with socks and sandals.

Visit your past self back in time

by Wanda on May 1, 2013

Our Weekly Wednesday Creativity Contest question on Facebook for today is “If you could go back in time and give your 18 year old self advice, what would you tell yourself?”

Synchronize your watches!

The question was inspired by one of my favorite movies Back to the Future. I’m sure you all remember the plot of Doc Brown and Marty McFly going back in time to meet Marty’s parents, accidentally preventing them from meeting therefore preventing Marty from being born, fixing things between his parents and finally creating a better future for him and his family. While I didn’t question the logic of Doc Brown’s time travel when I saw the movie 25 years ago, it turns out that Back to the Future‘s time travel theory is impossible, unlike everything else in the movie. (Just kidding.) Marty prevented his parents from meeting therefore wouldn’t exist. There would be no Marty to go back in time to prevent them from meeting. It’s an infinite paradox that doesn’t make sense, (at least not in the third dimension.)

Here’s a great infographic in case you’re interested in how sci-fi people theorize about traveling time:

On a practical level, it’s interesting to look back and think about what you could tell your past self. We all have tons of bad decisions and missed opportunities that we wish we could do over. We all learn along the way. No one gets life completely right the first time around, the problem is it’s the only time around. But isn’t that the fun of it? What if your future self could come visit you today and tell you all the things that will happen and all the things you should do? It might be nice for a bit, but wouldn’t you be surely bored quickly?

Yes there are many things we wish we could do over. That’s how we learn. Remember that all that’s done is done, and that’s what’s made each of us who we are today. Not knowing what’s next is what makes life fun, so don’t get caught on regrets.

Teaching Kids Financial Management

by Wanda on April 29, 2013

I’ve seen so many people run themselves into debt due to not understanding how money worked in their twenties. Common advice to twenty-somethings is “it’s never too early to learn about money.” The assumption is that our twenties is the first time you have financial responsibilities and therefore is the time to learn about dollars. I say that by that time you may have two decades of bad conditioning about money. You don’t need to have something to have views on it. You don’t need to have something to know how it works. You can teach your littlest ones about money right away. Most parents underestimate the importance of teaching kids the value of a dollar. Any kid can learn the value of a dollar. It will save them a lifetime of learning.

First teach them that a dollar can represent many different things. For example $10 can equal ten candy bars, two candy bars, five packs of gum, or the tenth of a video game. This is an important understanding to prevent the thinking that if you have money you need to spend it.
Next show them how saving money over time can turn into a large amount. Older kids may be able to learn about compound interest, but even my four year old understood that a quarter every day become a dollar after four days. Any child that’s old enough to not put coins in his or her mouth, is old enough to receive an allowance. It can be as low as a dollar. Just enough so that they have an opportunity to manage some sort of money.
Teach them to compartmentalize. I have my kids separate their allowance money into “Short Term,” “Long Term,” and “Charity.” Short Term is what they can spend on ice cream and candy. Long Term is what they must save for future expenses. Charity is what they separate to give to those less fortunate. Teaching kids that there are less fortunate people out there that need our help will teach kids to cherish what they have and understand the real value of money.

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