One of the most underrated evils in parenting, relationships, and work is the compromise. The worst part is that many parents and teachers and much of society teaches us that compromise is a good thing. Here’s why compromise is bad for you and your relationships, and why you better not teach it as a virtue to your children.

We think compromise is good because we have this strange notion in society that denying ourselves what we want is somehow “noble” or “generous,” especially when we deny ourselves for the benefit of someone else. We have the even worse idea that there is some sort of “greater good” in two people selling short on what they want. Compromise doesn’t serve the other person, it actually makes your relationship suffer. There is a simple reason why:

Compromise breeds resentment.

When you have to settle for less to appease someone else, you start to resent that person. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or fight against, it’s a natural human response. To deny your resentment is even worse. Denial only breeds further resentment. Compromising puts a burden on each compromiser so that they both feel entitled. Think about the last time you compromised. Didn’t it feel bad?

Instead of compromising, seek win-win. The idea of win-win and compromise unfortunately get confused. Compromise isn’t win-win, it’s lose-lose. A win-win solution is one where the two parties stand to get more of their desire by interacting with the other. Finding these solutions is often much harder and requires creativity. Sometimes there is no such solution available and that’s ok too. Agreeing to disagree, or even agreeing to end in conflict is better than each person selling short. What’s most important is letting the truth out. Stating the truth, even if its “we can’t work together,” “I feel we should do things this way,” or “I don’t like what you’re doing here is better than pretending to get along.

It requires more courage to play this way, but it best way to play. Don’t fool yourself that compromise is a good thing. Please don’t teach it to children as if it was a virtue. It’s not. The cleanest thing to do is to be clear about your desires and stick around to negotiate the consequences.